PATHS CHANGED BUT NOT HeArTs!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life passes yearning for something. A passionate occean remains within us unrevealed unexpressed. The churning goes on years together.
I am not a methodological writer after all,i am Just an ordinary women trying to express my deep hidden thoughts,never said,untold secrets,unhealed wound.
I always remember my friends words when i was in ninth standard,if life seems lost future still remains!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No matter how many times we fall,we still cope up to get up and march further.
And the count down here begins..................
I am a charming lady,By profession am a doctor right now in my mid twenties.
My first crush was at the age of fourteen which lasted for 1 month.
I was not broken at all,i was happy after i realised the fact that the person was after all not made for me,and didnt even bother to think what the other person was thinking about me..!
My parents love me alot,since childhood am brought up in a very homely and traditional way.
untill i completed my pre degree i never been alone any where with out my parents.
It is most astonishing that i was sleeping with my mom even untill my graduation some times.
From the beginning i have been a great thinker that has been inherited from my dad.
School days and pre degree days just past,not many friends.i was the most descent silent candidate of the entire class.
But the things had to change,and after my pre-degree i joined medical science&i would be future doctor in next coming 5 to 6 years.This time i was first time away from my home ,my home town, my loving parents.At the beginning i was home sick but i learned to live with it.
Made several good friends,got speacial bonding with them.For first time i was seeing the world beyond home.And i liked it.
Initial 2 years was spent in college campus hostel.Hostel life was innocent& cute.
It was nice to eat,study ,sleep ,think,chat ,gossip with friends.Like all the people have their college and hostel days as memorable ones..This was mine most memorable pages of my life.
I never felt Love beyond my family and with this time my friends made me feel it.
Days passed with dissection hall where we had to dissect human dead body ,batches were made of all the girls and boys.It was embrassing to many to enter the hall at first days.
several use to faint with the smell of formalin and seeing the body dead in front of eyes and thinking we dissecting it.But some how i had become strong little that i was the first person to start the dissection most of the times boldly.Apart from this we used to have labs,practicals also,and 6 hours classes everyday.
Different lecturers used to enter the class teach us and then go.we used to sit like the kinner garden students listenning to every one.Not knowing what else to do.
Mean while some of the PG scholars Used to take classes too.Who were supposed to be there for 3 years in our college untill their completion of PG.
There were some old,young, married & unmarried too among the scholars.
It was really fun to have the unmarried PG scholars to have teach in our class,so that we could tease some or other girl relating to them.suppose a lecturer sees some one more while teaching we would relate that lecturer to that girl..!And suppose if a lecturer asks more of questions to any girl then we would relate them..!It was all for fun.
There was a Guy PG scholar his name was DR.samyukth.He was smart ,tall ,very fair with chubby cheeks with very cute smile.he used to take physiology classes for us.And at the first class i liked him.The way he taught it thrilled me.The studiousness and descency made me feel a speacial respect for him.But the problem was his eyes was little squint.If he was seeing the girl beside me it could made me feel as though he was seeing ME..!
This gave my friends a chance..!and they started to tease me with him.
It is such a stupid when remembered now..and innocent act.
But seriously i was attracted to him as the days passed.I only studied his subjects everyday.
There was alots of gap between me & him and some how my deeper heart knew it.But i was not ready to except that.
Not only in the matter of age ,but also status ,caste which is most seen in india.
But my inner heart didnt yearn for him but it only respected him.
But i thought i was in love .Though i never wanted to marry him or get him in my life time.
Day and night i thought things of him.i wanted to impress him.But that was not possible.
When i was going with my friends ,when i felt he was smiling me i inturn knew the fact that he was smiling the girl beside me thats my friend my roomate..!
But the aura of him inside me was not ready to except it.As the time passed we had not even completed our 1st phase that time had come to departure from him.He had completed his PG and time to leave ..!
i was shattered.i was not ready to except that pain.i didnt want him in my life but i wanted him in front of my eyes.
Days was terrible and nights miserable.Endless times i cried,not because with fear of loosing him but for the departure from him which was must.
My friends consoled me and made me realise the real fact...And i came back from my hangover when the exams were nearer.But the respect i had for him in my heart never reduced.It perished same even now though 10 years passed.he is my favourite lecturer untill today. At least he inspired and motivated silently to study his subjects everyday..!!!!
I always remembered my friend's words&
waited for future...!Future still remains.
That is the most cherishable thing in my life so far..the future.
I passed my 1st phase with average marks,but I was happy that I got through,as more than 30% of my classmates were retained and had to rewrite exam but they got through too as we had carry over to next phase though hadn’t cleared subjects.During 2nd phase subjects were different little tougher than 1st phase but I was more independent ,and knew more diplomatic ways to study.I started studying less and annalyse more.The major change at this period was that I was not staying in hostel now,as my mother had shifted to same town for sake of me by taking transfer.she is a government teacher and disciplined,dedicated lady of principles.Through out my ages I love her hand ,the tasty food she cooks.That was the most sweetest thing for me now.
There was not much of changes in the class schedule these days ,it was as usual 6 hours classes a day,additional to that we had practical classes also.We had to be in pharmacy for observing medicine preparation and we even had to involve our selves in it.We had to go botanical garden and study various plants and medicinal value related to it.Apart from this we had to attend hospital and take the complete history.At this phase we only learned the various deaseases ,its signs and symtoms ,& not the treatment aspects.During the 1st phase there was not much mingling between boys and girls in class except little we used to speak at dissection hall.But now there was more a social living between ourselves.There were some pairs also with in our class.As of me I used to speak with all in same way.There were few boys who teased me ,I inturn used to over react and they had fun with it.such of the boys I remember now most is pratheek & ishan.where ever they found me they used to follow me and tell some or other thing and some how I felt they didn’t like me..!
We nolonger used to sit like statues in class.Now we had fun, there were lots of things we passed to each other chocolates,ground nuts,chits,comments .some used to sleep some used to laugh ,there were countless things we used to do when the lecturer used to teach us the things we never tried to understand.
It was during mid term of 2nd phase a fresh batch of PG scholars entered our college.Every year there would come fresh batch for various subjects and they would remain for 3 or more years.
It was a week after the joining of fresh PG scholars that I saw him first..!When I first saw him he directly starred me into my eyes ,I had no reaction to show him and I starred him too.i was going to home by walk after college that he went in bike sitting back side with his friend.As the days passed by I observed him to be very active,friendly ,talkative person.Externally he looked very serious.Several times we saw each other but we never spoke.But I simply loved the moment our eyes met each other every time we passed each other.As any batches of UG or PG joined our college automatically their biodata would be news spread to every one in college.So as natural coincidence I got to hear everything about his back ground.He was from a simple family ,but a educated family. He and his elder sister were the only siblings to their parents.His dad was a retired bank employ . And his name which brought horripulations to my skin when heard my friends say it was dr shashankh. His elder sister was effected by polio and nearly bed ridden.
Time came for us to attend a Medical camp in a remote area for 10 days,that is 10 of my classmates with some of my juniours including 3 PG scholars with a lecturer .It was a nice experience of 10 days when we had to stay there and work .Among Pg scholars shashank had come with 2 of his classmates.In this 10 days he spoke to me few times like it was just necessary talks but some how for that time being I even felt that it was intensional.i observed him a lot,the way he moved with others ,the way he spoke.He was very descent person,not so serious as he looked.he was very hard working in the camp.and he impressed me.I didn’t wanted to confuse myself thinking myself that I was in crush,inflactuation or anything.But he simply had created an inpact in me.
Library was like a park in our college ,where in we could see the boys and girls lost in their own world.These days my dad had presented me a 2 wheeler and I used to go college with it.i was not a perfect rider at that time .And I used to hear all type of comments for it..from my friends. During the early days with my bike I had a fall and a injury in leg which lasted over a month. During these time we had to regularly visit library for books ,compilation works etc. One evening I remember very well that it was raining very badly when I came out of library .it was around more than 6.00 in the evening.i stood outside thinking what to do,I even didn’t have any rain coat as it was unseasonal rain.suddenly my classmate pratheek came there running when he saw me..i saw that ishan was not there with him .He gave me a plastic cover to my hand,I was surprisingly thinking what for it is when he grinned and told it to cover my Leg..!To avoid the infection of the wound.was he making fun of me I thought?but his smile expressed the care with in..!I didn’t reply anything , just took it and went. That day I realized for every comments and fun he made there was no reason behind it. it was just the friendly care.Pratheek was a friendly person,he made jokes to all and very interesting person.But I was very stupid that I avoided him always when he showed care.I remember the first day of college when he sat beside my bench and asked my book and I had stubbornly replied very rudely.But he had smiled.He was indeed very talented person.After the plastic cover incident I started to behave friendly to him and ishan.But they didn’t stop telling jokes,teasing me and having fun but these times I joined them in their laugh and added to their comments.It was fun.

Time past very fast these days and again the days of exams.This time I passed with good marks.i had made a name in college too with my little talents of writing & literature.i used to post few things of my writings in the college wall Magzine.And simultaneously shashankh used to post his writings too..Was it a coincidence????!!!!!!!
During the end of 2nd phase there were lots of changes in my life.And it was nice.
Dad shifted to same home place with me and mom.Final year was interesting with its subjects,we often visited hospital seen cases,deliveries.But subjects were very tough and vast .They were all practical oriented subjects where in we had to concentrate more on implying things .And by this time we had started application of our knowledge.we classmates became more of a closely knitted family.It was not much of difficulty in clearing the subjects in final year,and we all got through with first class.We were all happy ,but some where inside there was little pain,fear of loosing each other.because we all knew after the final year we all would be posted to different hospitals during internship and this time would never come again where in we all would sit together .It was humiliating to sit for 6 hours continuously and hear the ununderstandle subjects but it was also true that we all loved each others company very badly,and some how we still wished that to continue.Life had to change in its own ways..!we would march in different paths.Though there was still a year to completion of our degree ,but we had got our provisional degree and officially we had the rights to practice with the provisional degree certificate in our hand.
By this time my most ever favourite PG scholar Dr shashankh was about to complete his PG and was in his final year.Seeing his ability and talent he was appointed as physician in the college campus hospital.And my first postings during internship was posted 4 months to college campus hospital.there were mainly 4 to 5 doctors mainly in the college campus hospital.Among those 2 elderly seniour doctors and one middle aged doctor and a young lady who had just completed her medical and joined as duty doctor,and dr shashankh.We had to see daily the In patients in ward and fill the case sheets,and attend the out patients who come to duty doctors and the treatment they prescribe.Actually it was in rotation basis but we went where we wished to go,and no one bothered for it.As time passed I constantly went to dr shashank’s cabin only ,and he waited for reasons to call me into his cabin.It more took the friendly turn .When ever I saw him see the patients,the way he spoke to them really inspired me and Silently I wanted to become like him.He was my inspiration .I waited times to speak some thing with him.It was a bitter experience that brought us closer together more.It was one day he scolded me infront of his colleages and friends for not writing case sheet properly,and I was unable to explain infront of those people that it was not written by me and he had mistaken.I had felt I was a foreign body there,& had cried a lot for the insult.Some how he got the news and next day consoled me and apologized calling me to his cabin.
As the seasons changed now turn for me to change the postings.i had to Go to other hospital after these 4 months.This time I didn’t feel bad .I was happy for spending some time with the most adorable person in my life.
I had got a friend,well wisher,a guide my inspirational spirit.
Life was going very very fast.
During my next postings I had nice time with my friends,we used to have picknicks in week end and study practically during weekdays.Days passed very lovely,and every day increased our confidence.i was posted to different hospital under various experienced doctors who shared their knowledge with their experience.Every patient taught me new things ,Not only the deasease and treatment but also I learned what Life was seeing their pains.Friends who were not near for last 4 years also became very intimate.Pratheek used to come to my house ,he became a familiar face in my family,even my granny liked his talk!!!He was very talkative,funny making the wolrd around him laugh always and I loved his company.He was born genius and a poet with good literature hold.Externally he looked dark black,short height almost only height as me,and very oily hair but when he opened his heart he made his world.And I simply admired him like anything.Shashank became close too,But less we spoke to each other.Attimes he used to send SMS to my cell ,and I used to send almost everyday.I made some excuses to go to college campus hospital atleast once in 1 or 2 wks,just to see him made me delight.I used to go to his cabin & sit in front of him..I could never speak a word in front of him.i waited to meet him,see him and talk to him.But when ever I went to him both of us never spoke . It was the silent movie..most of times.There were many girl fans to him in the college,so I never could really guess what he felt for me.But his eyes expressed a lot which was more than words , though silence surrounded us whenever we met. But it was sweet silence to feel.Some times he used to ask me sweet ,or some treat .& I prepared at home and took for him and gave .It was very lovely to be in the aura of him that I never wanted to think beyond that.My heart beats trembled every time I saw him,sitting in front of him was hell lots of tough my hands shivered too,and I used to keep my hand in aperon pockets to hide it..!But I was very expressive with my silent expressions,and my close friends knew I liked him but they never asked or said any thing anytime.Did shashankh guessed any thing!!!!????????????When his brth day came,I simply gifted him a hand made greeting,he didn’t speak a word either that day.
One year had past soon,and time had come for us for registration.All of our batch mates went together to the university for registration.It was a memorable day.We were happiest at one side because we would be turning into doctors!!!!!!The world was before us from the very next day,we were all free to treat our experiments.On the other hand we were departing each other,in future life we would never get a chance to live together.Departure is must in life ,but we were all not just friends but lives to each other.We all hugged each other,shared passport pics of each other.But we were word less to express the deepest agony.
Life was free now,I was a free bird.But the question was what to do next?????????????????????
I started my days of carrier with my clinic practice,it was a dream of mine since years.But with in that time of few months My college offered me a post at one of its hospital.And i agreed..!
Now everyone started their own path.where in our destiny would never meet.We missed each other alots,every day rains of SMS would pour off telling miss u…but We had started our journey all in Their own way..Most possible way was memories of each other in the most precious milestones of our LIFE.
In the beginning everyday i would get SMS,and miss call from most of friends.As the days past miss call stopped,and sms diminished.With in 6 months only few would call and most of others remained as just to stay in touch.But I was prepared for it.very intimate friends like pratheek and few others would call everyday.A special bond developed between me and pratheek after our departure.He stopped teasing me long back,he would never make fun.He respected me ,we would share most of the things.HE started opening his mind ,he told things he never told to any one else before.he told about the women he admired in his life and so on.we both had the consideration for each others words,and ask advice to each other for every minute things.I madly liked his way of talk,and he was like my mood maker when ever I felt upset or bad,talking to him for few minutes would cherish me.He really expressed alots for those whom he cared,I remember still during last of college days,he had brought for me a basket full of mangoes from his dad’s mango farm from his native in bike all the ways of 250kms.who else would do that??!!!And that was the most tasty mangoes I ever ate in life so far..!!He had become one of my most favourite friend for life time!
It was nice going to hospital.I was incharge for OUT PATIENT SECTION.I would see patients and prescribe my treatment ,it was privelage and proud to sit in the chair.It was new experience and different feel,when the people used to come to us with belief in heart only upon us.
Days were moving very fast,and shashankh was deeply embedded in my heart by now.
And GOD knew IT..!
As few months past me with the institution,shashankh was assigned to my hospital for weekly once visiting doctor.I was really happy and thrilled.But I rarely expressed it.
I would wait the whole of the week ,for a day of his visit.He had been my inspiration all the time of years now,and always I wanted to become like him!!!seeing him in front of my eyes weekly once was a different feeling unlike before.HE is my guide,friend,wellwisher,teacher..Now we were colleages .we had that liberty ,that we took the opportunity to talk the whole day ,when patients were not there.I remember the times when we used to fight,argue and he used to beat to my head!!My eyes glowed when ever I saw him in front of me.But yet hearts beats would not listen to me.I would tie my hands not willing to show the shiver.I never loved him ,But I worshipped him.He was the only man in my life whom I didn’t want to loose.i wanted to share my every thing to him,My sorrows,happiness feelings but the aura of him made me silent though its been years knowing him now.I deparately wanted him in my life.We would have lunch together ,from the lunch I carried from home,some times in same box,and many atimes he would eat all my lunch.But I never restricted him.we used to go to eat chats in Panu puri stalls and snacks of bakery near by to the hospital,every time he cared me as if I was a baby!He had made a complete space in my heart that I never gave entry to any after that.Time brought us very near that I feared about future.
We both are born and brought up in Traditional ,hindu aurthodax family that before thinking about ourselves we considered about our family,our caste our society.May be this was the reason that we never expressed to each other a word.For me my parents were my world I would do anything my dad says,and listen any thing my mom says.Shashankh was no less than this!But my dad read my mind ,he knew I liked him even much before I realised.He several times adviced me ,telling to ask him as marriage proposal.Dad was willing to talk to him,but I objected dad! I didn’t want to loose shashankh from my life.I was worried,if by asking even the present relation may fade.But God wished a different path!
Dad spoke to shashank’s parents one day at their home. Both the families had approved but there were some astrological formalities for our satisfaction. I was very feared and nervous to face shashankh during these days,the very next day my dad went to their house especially. But he never told anything to me.May be he was very genorous. But after the matter settled I was broken, dead. And our marriage was not possible due to astrological reasons.I felt as though this was the biggest failure of life.I was lost.I was not willing to come out of this.we can forget some one if we want to, but I didn’t want to forget shashankh.He was in my depth.Was marriage end of love!!!???????????????
During this time dad saw a Guy for me , who was cool, calm, matured & financially stable person who was also same profession as mine. He was from a nice well settled family.Every one had the consent except me!And I had no reasons to reject him.Every day I cried alone.i didn’t wanted to come out of my world.My closest friend made me realize that I was waiting for some one in a path where in he will never enter again! She made me realize to accept things as it comes,to compromise things when dreams are baseless. And I compromised.
Mean while shashankh marriage got fixed too.And our wedding took place with 3 months gap.He married first! I attended his wedding with my parents,and he attended mine with his wife.It was a nice Feel when I tied knot as if the whole world was changing all of a sudden.But I felt secured the moment My hubby tied mangalasutra that second I became still lost in his his eyes.An ocean of security surrounded me.No more doubts,no more hallucinations and I was only his.My world would be only He.And I think I was happy.All my friends had been with me that day.pratheek,ishan’s wife,and endless priceless souls who were with me for years.
I am more happy after marriage. My hubby is very nice man of real world , very practical & independent. First one month was very slow and steady. He took me to honey moon to some hill station for one week. And then started our journey to the un ending pages of life………………………………………………
Things didn’t change for me after marriage. My friends were in regular touch with me. Dr Shashankh is same with me even today as he was 6 to 7 years before. Nothing changed much between us.
There is something which pricks me every day, atleast 10 times a day.It was some 9 months after my marriage. One evening after finishing my hospital I was standing in bus stand waiting for bus to go my mother’s home town. I got a call to my cell from Ishan. I started to talk sportively ,that he suddenly changed the topic after I talked 2 or 3 sentence. I was speechless when I heard the matter.Pratheek had expired a day before due to tubercular meningitis. HE had very pain full death. He was alone in his room, locked from inside as his parents were distant.As he was having mild fever he took a sedative and slept,he got the relieve due to sleep but never waked up after.He went to coma and no one knew it.After 3 days his parents came and broke opened the door.I remember his call 15days prior to his death,we had spoke ½ an hour .He had told me all about his investments and asked me some advice regarding real estate .As I sat in the bus I wanted to scream ,cry loudly and share it to someone but there was no one! Tears rolled down my cheeks unknowingly .And every one starred me in the bus.
But I least cared. I prayed god that somehow the news is false or somehow he would come back. I wanted to kill that pain which killed him. I lost a friend ......and losing a friend is dying a little.
Four years past now after my graduation,& 2 years after my marriage. Turning back remembers me countless people who became my part of life & some adorable people who touched my life……………… Future still remains ….!!!!! And I am waiting for my future.
I still remember the innocent faces sitting in the classroom for 6 hrs 10 years back like kinner garden students understanding nothing but sitting like stautes.
We can make the paths, But we can never make our destiny. GOD has given me everything so far even better than I wished every time .This is what My-“PATHS CHANGED BUT NOT HeArTs”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is “My confessions of confused mind”…Its not permitted to any spam or any copy written, translation or print.

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